Revelations

Selivankova, the very sexy Russian nurse I know casually from work, told me in the break room today that a married woman who never had an affair was not considered much of a woman in France. I'm not sure why she choose to advise me in this matter, because moments earlier we had been discussing coffee. I do have strong feelings about coffee and was telling her that I buy organic free trade beans and grind them right before they go into my French press brewer with the filtered water. Perhaps I sounded a bit passionate as I explained to her that caffeine is one of my few vices, since I have no addiction to drinking or smoking and have conquered my food issues. “Ah”, she says, in that way she has of making everything sound erotic, “what about affairs?” I tell her I am married, so she gives me the European maxim and says that she lived in France for several years. I have never asked her about husbands or lovers, but I assume that a smart and attractive Russian emigrate probably married her way into the relatively cushy life of the US. I would certainly like to find out more, but the break room is small and public, plus this is work, and I know when to keep my lines drawn. Selivankova is no longer young, but she is slim, stylish, and exotic, with a thick Russian accent and a full length fur coat she wears on winter days. She has noted the changes in me in a casual sort of way over the last several months, so perhaps she has drawn her own conclusions about the reasons for the improvement.

Some of my bolder friends have come right out and asked me if there was a new man in my life, and I have made it very clear to them that my motivation is coming from within, not without. Regardless of what I do in my free time, if my incentive was external it would be subject to the caprice of other people, something I have sworn on my life to avoid in the future. Whether by upbringing or nature I seem to have an inordinately strong instinct to please others before myself. Some of this is mere kindness, some habit, but a lot of it is enabling behavior that sucks the motivation right out of people around me. I am capable of acting in my own best interest, and indeed, everyone including myself is generally happier when I do so. Even though I have issues with her fur coat, I still admire women like my Russian friend that seem to know this instinctively, or learned it very early in life. I wish I had gotten it sooner, but better now than not at all. For anyone out there still struggling, even though lightening may strike me out of a clear blue sky, I think a bit of scripture is in order.

He who hath an ear to hear, let him hear…

Happy Sunday.