Who watches in the shadows?

I woke up lying against his chest, his strong arm trembling across my shoulder. I had dozed off there on the sofa, exhausted from lack of sleep over the weekend. It was strangely quite, no TV, no lights, only the sound of the air moving raggedly in and out of his lungs. There was a storm approaching, that was clear, and it was too late to seek shelter. I listened to his words without speaking, already knowing what he would say. Inside my head alarm bells were clanging wildly in a hurricane force wind, while I sat still as a mouse trapped under a teacup. When he let me speak I told him the affair was over, that I had fallen in love with him again. We talked for a long time, but what we said could be reduced to three words, “I love you”. He had known since December, and had already gone through the array of emotions; anger, sorrow, fear, panic, and I can’t imagine what else. Instead of raging at me when he found out, he set out to win me back, and he succeeded most admirably. I am overwhelmed with the class he exhibited, floored that I had underestimated the person that I have slept beside for over 30 years. This is the man I had thought lost forever in a vat of alcohol, the man I felt was not strong enough to deal with me, the man I believed could not change. I put his fears of losing me to rest, and that is all he asked. He loves me so much he accepts the blame for what I did. He said he wasn’t paying attention, had made no effort to see that I was happy, and had taken for granted that I would always be there. He said he wonders that I didn’t do it sooner.

When I started the affair I was ready to walk, to run really. I remember very clearly dreading the end of each day when I would have to come home. Now every time I arrive at the door he is there to greet me with a kiss, a bear hug, and words of sweet affection. I find now that I am rushing to get home just to see him again. In describing myself I tell people that I am not a gambler, but I am a risk taker. I have always been willing to take the consequences for my actions, but this time I can’t decide if I got what I deserved or not. I jumped off a very high cliff and I landed pretty well. The bruises will heal with time, and he will never have a reason to doubt me again. He told me if he ever got distracted and quit taking care of his home life, I only need say the man’s name to get his attention. I am telling this to you all not knowing who might be reading my words, and I am feeling very exposed. He says someone called him and told him, but he will not say who. He had names and places, which frightens me, because I was not the only one who was taking a risk. This has been my place to come and scream when life was too difficult to bear. Now I wonder who listens and judges me, even in this small refuge. He told me I had been discrete, but that Richmond is really a small town in a small world. Before today it was a city where no enemies lived.