You all know I'm happy, but...

There is sometimes a strange peaceful interlude between a significant event and the reality of the import hitting you squarely between the eyes. Often we only live in this oddly skewed alternate universe for a second or a millisecond, but sometimes it lasts for hours or weeks. Mine lasted 97 hours, give or take a few minutes. It started when my husband and I had "the talk", and ended when he seemed to have accidentally turned around in the hotel parking lot on Friday night. Yes, it was that hotel. We haven't said a word about the affair since last Monday when he confronted me, but it's going to be a long time before this is over for either of us. He had to know that was the one, didn't he? He had even mentioned the name to me during the confrontation. It all seemed so random, but why did he pick that particular spot to decide to make a u-turn? Paranoia suddenly got me in its grip and will not let go.

My friend and I had our last email conversation that very morning, the one where we agreed that it would be best not to continue to write to each other. We both know that continuing to talk to each, even by email, would be an indulgence we cannot afford. Better to have a clean break now that the truth is on the table. Privately I told him how I felt, how I feel, and had the immediate urge to share the emotions on my blog. I spent all of Sunday writing and deleting the words, finally realizing I was just afraid to say them in case my husband had found his way to my hiding place. If he has however, he has read far worst already. Perhaps there are things better left alone, but my onus in this place has been to say it true. I will temper this, but I will say it.

The words we spoke in private will remain between the two of us alone, but I need to tell this part to all those who have become captivated by our intrigue and do not know your side of the story. Rarely in my life have I been so lucky in choosing lovers. The physical aside, you were first a friend who understood the pain I felt, knew it because it was so much like your own. You never pushed me, and you spoke only the truth from the moment we met. I credit my blog friends, especially one in particular, with saying the words that freed me to make the changes I needed to make in my own life. You however were the catalyst that made the change in my husband, and without you…well, I don't even want to speculate. I do know that my life is better because you were part of it for this brief space. You have been as much a gentleman at the denouement as you were at the commencement, as you were every step along the way. If I had a parting gift I could give you, it would be for you to see yourself as I do. If you did, you would not hesitate to ask for all the good things from life that you so richly deserve. I am aware that I am luckier than most, and I am determined to be content with the hand I have been dealt. I know you will try to do the same, but as I look back across the hundreds of letter we have written, I dread the silence between us in the future. I leave you all with one puzzle. Why did doing the wrong things we did feel so right, and now, why does doing the right thing seem so poignant?