I think I left the last of my modesty on the operating table where I had my first c-section. It was only after the emergency procedure was over and twenty people were scurrying about the room cleaning up that I looked up into the overhead mirror and discovered that I was naked. When I realized I had been that way for hours and everyone in the room had ample opportunity to count every freckle on my ass, I just thought WTF.
Now days when I go to the gym, or the doctor, or the spa, I just strip off my clothing without a second thought. After all there are social rules that govern these naked moment, unwritten and subtle but clearly understood by everyone over the age of 7. These rules are different for men than for women and vary from culture to culture, but basically they tell us that while we are allowed sidelong glances to check out the competition, we do not stare openly and we do not flaunt our personal nakedness among strangers. Evidently not everyone got that memo this week.
So I was standing in front of the sink at the gym putting my hair into a ponytail when an extremely obese and naked lady came and stood beside me. Her breasts were enormous, and as she was no longer young, they hung down to her navel, almost to her very hairy nether regions. I was stunned when she casually plugged in a hair dryer and proceeded to blow dry her wet hair, top and bottom, and the underside of said pendulant bosoms. I knew the rules, so I tried not to stare directly as she made her melons dance a jig with every movement of her arm. It was not a sight for the faint of heart.
One little girl around age five came into the venue and stopped, open mouthed and staring. Her horrified mother quickly redirected her to the toilet with a push of her hand and a please don’t say a word look. I collected my brush and ipod and moved quickly and calmly toward the door. I was most fortunate not to get trampled in the exodus.
Goodness... Sometimes I am glad to wear glasses--it is my "temporary blindness" excuse. I am not a shallow man, but the imagery is rather haunting.
ReplyDeleteAnd people wonder why I don't go to the gym. One more sight I am glad is not burned into my retinas forever! You poor thing-I hope you laughed when you left-and hey, I bet that picture is good incentive to work it-maybe I should of seen it after all. Hmmm...
ReplyDeleteIt's all genetics. Some of us can't lose weight because we worry about hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) which can kill us. We look, and are jealous, remembering the old days. We worry about meeting people, and never let people take pictures of us. I hear you clearly.
ReplyDeleteClay, I know you are not shallow and you know i am not either, but even if she had been svelte her actions were just too far out of the norm to feel comfortable. She really cleared the room quickly. I wonder if that little girl and her mother hid in the toilet until she was gone.
ReplyDeleteBrook, she was certainly not your typical gym rat. Although women come in all shapes and sizes and more power to the ones who come even though they are not perfect, I am generally spared finding out what those baggy sweats are hiding. I will say I was especially fierce on the elliptical that evening.
CEO No need to feel self conscious, I'm sure not 21 any more either, but lordy, lordy, she was in a public venue shaking everything she had, which was considerable. She would probably have happily posed for pictures if I had asked, so I guess I should give her credit for having that much body confidence.
"she was in a public venue shaking everything she had, which was considerable"--Almost got kicked out of the library laughing at this one--Good lord.
ReplyDeleteIn my gym, it seems that the "modest" ones are the younger women, while the older women seem very comfortable in their skin. More than once, elderly women have carried on lengthy conversations with me completely naked (them, not me). I've always envied their confidence.
ReplyDeleteAnd the hairdryer under the breasts thing...hmmm...not a bad idea...
There is nothing more horrifying than seeing a 70 year old man bending over at the gym.
ReplyDeleteVariations: I have noticed the same thing from time to time, but never this blatant. I think it is nice that they don't feel uncomfortable, but I can't help but wondering if they've gone senile or something.
ReplyDeleteDr Z: Thank God I can only imagine. I guess I should hope I go blind before my husband gets that old. The ladies room is bad enough. I'm not sure what has happened to my Karma lately but today when I went to my gym locker there was a very obese and black lady with boobs the size of basketballs siting totally naked in the dressing cubical with the curtain open and oh God please don't make me say this, knees apart. Just when I thought it could get no worse. Sigh.