No way to hold my head that doesn't hurt

After the talk we had, my husband has been mostly sober for several days now, so I used this opportunity to bring balance back into the universe by getting totally wasted at a party Saturday, including doing a bit of weed with my son and some 40 year old who would have been perfectly delighted to break my long dry spell of forced celibacy. He did violate my first rule for sexual encounters however; don’t sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. He might have been a bit restrained by the presence of my son and husband too. I did get home with my pants still on, but misplaced my wedding ring somewhere. I’m sure it will turn up eventually. I called my hostess this morning and apologized for flirting with all her friends, then I told her the truth about the whys. She’s known me for many years and has never seen me have more than a glass or two before. I didn’t feel any guilt, but I am glad that this all happened in a controlled atmosphere. I know now that I’m not really up for casual sex and I will be much more careful about the drinking in the future. I think I just wanted to make sure I still knew how, and the fact is that casual sex isn’t too difficult to find.

So the good news is that today I opened a dialog with my husband that scared the hell out of him, but also gives me some glimmer of hope. I don’t know if that’s good or bad at this point. He’s going to have to be willing to put a lot more work into this marriage than he ever has before, and I’m not sure he can. I wasn’t going to make a move until after Christmas anyway, so what do I have to lose? As exciting as it was to have men paying attention to me, it made me remember the down side of being single too. I have a feeling there are going to many stops and starts in this process. Regardless, the big secret is no more and I have plans to get together with a few girlfriends this week who now know and want to help. I think I'll skip ordering drinks when we go out.