"Older" Women

I wish you could come with me to one of my favorite places (don't laugh), the toilet line at "our place". You may recall that I had complaints when I used the actual name of the "place" previously, in connection with a small impropriety in the ladies room, so you will just have to call or email me if you're curious or itching to visit. But I digress....So, standing in the line is always an education, especially as the evening becomes drunker. Not me of course, I have found I have more fun with a modest amount of alcohol, enough so I have no hesitation dancing to "Gonna Rock this Town Tonight", but not enough to knock over tables, a thin line I know. The young man who was waiting in the queue with me was actually fairly sober, perhaps not old enough to drink, hard to tell. He is obviously struggling to make conversation and opens with, 
"You dancing out there?" Of course he has seen me dancing so it is a rhetorical question. I consider telling him so, but he does not look like the brainy sort. Instead I guide the conversation carefully, 
"Every time I can get my husband on his feet." A light bulb comes on briefly and he says, in a disappointed voice, 
"Oh, you're married."
"Very" I reply, cutting that dogie off at the pass.
Still hopeful and still stupid he goes on, "I was looking for an older woman..." He didn't finish the sentence because another lady a few years younger than me arrived and moved between us to stand in the ladies queue.
"Is this the line?" I reply in the affirmative while still laughing. Motioning to him with my eyes I say,
"He's looking for a cougar."
Her face lights up, a gale of laughter spills out and she takes a long look at him.  Like the bad gunfighter he is he proceeds to shoot himself squarely in the foot. (think Barney from the Andy Griffith show)

"Oh, not especially a cougar, just any woman."
More laughter ensues at his expense and she says, "So it doesn't matter huh? Any woman from 12 to 80 is okay?"
He tries to recover from this conversational catastrophe, but he is so out of his league. The other lady and I chat about him like he's not there, providing a bit of "dating" advice, and then the ladies room door opens and it's over. She is still there when I come out but he is long gone. We look at each other and laugh again, shaking our heads.


I catch him eyeing me as I leave the dance floor later, still standing alone, still clueless. Since he is in the peach fuzz stage there is still some hope for him, I think, but I doubt he will ever become Mr. Suave. If he was in the same line later in the evening he might have seen the couples coming out of the facilities together and wondered where he went wrong. I can counsel him on that one however. Here is Elaine's advice to the young man looking for a booty call.
- First and foremost, Pick drunker women!
- Secondly, play it close to the vest. If you put your cards on the table from the second you start negotiations you are likely accustomed to working girls. Women who do it for fun would like to hear some compliment about their appearance or personality. Something that says, I picked you out of this crowd because I think you're special.
- Next, women who are with a partner and look like they are having fun are not your best choice. That is like looking for Easter eggs in the spot where the last person found one. Look for the girl who came in with her friends and try to lasso her out of the herd. I know this is intimidating and it may require a bit of conversation. Just do it.
Finally if all of that seems like too much work just go with the first step and Pick Drunker Women!


Now you may have noticed a bit of disdain for the age challenged in my tone, so I want to add a disclaimer. In my youth I dated 17 year olds and also 18, 19, 20 and so forth. As a grown up, after my divorce (and before my subsequent marriage), I occasionally dated very young men, but my preference was for those past the awkward stage, men who needed no education. While I admit I am flattered by the attention of a youngster, I am totally charmed by a man who knows how to flirt, knows where the lines are drawn, and tells me all the lies I love to hear. I find those men usually have a few miles on them, and have known a bit of heartache. The men who attract me are smart, funny, and sexy at any age, like the one I married. So if you're moaning about over some aches and pains, or finding a balding or grey haired stranger in the mirror, do not despair. The secret this smart older woman knows is this--a good man isn't so hard to find after all.  You just have to look with your heart.