These are the flowers in my front hall and they have nothing to do with this post.

The last thing, and I do mean the very last thing I wanted to hear about on Christmas Eve, or anytime for that matter, is my mother in law's vagina. You too, right? The woman from her nursing home called me about an hour ago to discuss a medical issue with my husband, who is the stepsone of said M-I-L Since it was Christmas Eve he was out shopping, so rather than cut my tongue out as I should have, I used it to ask if perhaps I could help.

“Well, sure,” says the nurse, and accustomed to discussing things like old lady vaginas and bodily fluids she launched right in to it. “I just want to let you know she had a UTI, but she's on antibiotics now and doing much better.” She pauses for a bit and I make noises like I am pleased to hear her news, so encouraged, she continues. “Do you know what a boil is?” I allow as to how, while not being a medical professional like herself, I am familiar with boils. “Mrs. Haley has what she says is a boil on her vagina, but it doesn't look like one to me.” The nurse then proceeds to describe the thing on my step-mother-in-law's vee-jay in vivid detail and living color. I am on a run away train pulling on every handle, cord, and whistle in the cab, but it's like I'm having one of those dreams where you are screaming but making no noise.

 “...she says it's getting better but I think I see another one coming up a little closer to her...” 

“NOOOOOO, please, make it stop, ” is what I am yelling inside my head, but my mouth says, “Maybe the antibiotic caused the improvement. I'll let my husband know and thank you so much for calling.” She goes on for a bit, but finally realizing that nothing more coherent is going to come from me, she decides her job is done. 

“Now, I'll keep you up to date on everything, don't worry. You be sure and let your husband know, okay?” 

“I certainly will,” says my lying mouth, “and you have a happy holiday. Thank you so much.”

Now, I'm going to my front hall and look at my flower arrangement again and try to forget the other picture in my head. I suggest you try to do the same. 

and BTW, Merry Christmas.